I CAN MOONWALK!
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
