I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
