in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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