'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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