dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
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I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
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this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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