Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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