Welp...herpes.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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