I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
