Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
