so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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