No stitches, just platelets and will power
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
