Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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