Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
