i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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