His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
