I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
