I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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