life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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