There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
