I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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