I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
