Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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