i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
