nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
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I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
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I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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