I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Naked Twister starts at high noon
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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