i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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