Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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