I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
