A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
