So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
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and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
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We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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