So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
