You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
