I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
