I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
