What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
