as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I can't put those talents on a resume
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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