if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
