i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
