Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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