Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I would fuck him just for his dog
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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