I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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