just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
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