I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
