How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
