I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
