I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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