pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
