mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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