hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
