I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Randomize
