I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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