Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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