I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
