I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
